The Collective.

I am an existentialist.

Washing the dishes I accidentally dropped a spatula back into the sink, twice. The first time I noticed it as an observer of nothingness. The second time I became incredibly motivated to clean it again and properly secure it among the other clean dishes. It was then that I realized, as human beings, we are driven by fear and anger. The spatula was nothing and the sink and water were nothing. Together they had become something metaphysical. A catalyst for my conscious reaction and realization of an actual event taking place and the lack of control I had over my dealings with the spatula. It was the situation that made me realize I was an observer in the first place. It became extremely important for me to write these things down. This is based on a fear that I will forget these things. I feel an obsessive compulsive reaction when learning or experiencing something new where I must record it. I also am afraid of such a course of action. I am afraid my life will just become a series of scenes in which I am an audience member who is experiencing an emotional reactions watching the play but I am imprisoned forever within the theatre. So what is the point of learning if you won’t ever live? I love to learn more but fear that as I am learning I am not living. Perhaps this is a sacrificial investment I must make now in order to live a better, richer life in the future. Expand my vocabulary, compile the knowledge of great thinkers until I am ready to step foot into the void with a fresh set of eyes. The question is , however, is there something wrong with my current set of eyes? I suppose I am the only person that can anwser that questiong because it is of the utmost personal judgement. I guess I shall learn some more and then see if the quality of my life changes with the additional knowledge in my brain.

“What counts in life is not the number of rare and exciting adventures he encounters, but the inner depth in that life.” — William Barrett

Among further investigation as a self-considered existentialist I have simplified the meaning to being an existentialist in my own way that works for me.**What is my way out of meaninglessness?**